That strange magic called Mojo – Plainview Daily Herald

Posted: Friday, August 05, 2016

I should begin with an apology to everyone who wanted rain last week when the meteorologists were giving such good chances for it. I would be glad to let people think the atmosphere just wasn’t right for it to rain, but I know better. The reason it didn’t rain is because I was testing to see if the “mojo” is still with me. It is!

If you look up “mojo” in Webster’s New World Dictionary, you will find “molar” where it should be, which proves my theory that Webster was an idiot. For our purposes here, “mojo” would be defined as “a tooth or teeth designated . . .” no wait a minute, that’s a molar. “Mojo” is the ability to make things happen, even if there is no good reason for it. Unlike other forms of paranormal phenomenon such as UFOs, government efficiency and good rap music, I can prove “mojo” exists, and I have it.

Just to be fair, I checked the weather forecast about noon last Wednesday. They showed that there was a 40 percent chance for rain that night, 70 percent Thursday and Thursday night, and a 50 percent chance Friday morning. In this part of the world, it’s hard to get much better odds than that. Usually, even with a forecast like that, we don’t change what we’re doing on the farm until the rain starts. This time, just to check my “mojo,” I stopped two wells and went to town and bought lawn fertilizer. I must admit I felt guilty as I stood in line with all those other people waiting to pay for their lawn fertilizer and get home and spread it before the rain started. Even if I had told them they would be better off buying some hose and a sprinkler, they wouldn’t have believed me. Such is the nature of “mojo,” you can’t see it, only the results of it.

Even as I spread the fertilizer on the yard, the clouds were low and heavy with moisture, and now and then I could feel a light mist on my face as I raced back and forth with the spreader. I ran out of lawn before I ran out of fertilizer, so just for kicks I opted to put the leftover fertilizer and the spreader in the storehouse to keep them “dry.” I knew almost instantly my “mojo” was still working. I spent maybe 30 seconds in the storehouse and when I came out, the sun was shining, dust was blowing, and I could barely see the tops of the clouds that were just here disappearing over the horizon. Now THAT’S “mojo!”

I think if I could convenience my neighbors that I possessed this supernatural curse, we could all capitalize on it. I have in the past offered my services, but they all think I’m kidding. Do I seem like the type person that would kid about a thing like that? O.K., forget I asked that, and ask yourself this, if you lived close to someone who claimed to have “mojo,” wouldn’t you be just a little bit interested in any opportunity to work it in your favor?

Over the past several years, I have offered my services to my skeptical neighbors as a marketing adviser. The way it would work is, they pay me a fee (plus commission) to let them know when I am selling corn. I would call the broker and sell X bushels of corn at Y price. Then, I tell the people who have paid their fee to watch the corn market, it is sure to skyrocket the next day. “Mojo” also works the other way. I could buy X bushels of corn today, and the bottom would drop out of the market tomorrow. None of this is new, I’ve seen it work without fail on both weather and markets for more years than I am prepared to admit to at this time.

So, aside from learning that I am possessed, and my neighbors are narrow-minded tightwads, you must be wondering what any of this has to do with you. I’m glad you asked! My plan is a simple one. All you need to do is send me a measly one thousand dollars and sit back and wait. When I have collected a sufficient amount of money, I will invest it in oil futures. I know it seems extreme, but the time has come. I can guarantee that within 30 days, gas will be so cheap that you will have to lock the gas cap on your car to keep vandals from filling your tank every time you park. The Arab nations will be back to riding camels and eating sand, and Exxon executives will be standing near intersections trying to trade Rolex watches for Burger King coupons.

Before you get too excited, bear in mind that with radical change there is always a downside, but for the life of me I can’t think of what it might be!

Submitted by Deryl Clevenger, Hart

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